I could hope and pray all I want that this sinking feeling you will have will quickly go away. You will get used to the black hole you’ll get used to being alone and not having someone to hold you up. The stress I hope won’t break you down the way it did me, I hope you cope quicker than me because at some point the independence that you craved seems to burn away your innocence.

rubicon-art:

This is hopebird.
Hopebird is a little project idea of mine. He’s transparent, and I’m giving permission to use this as you want as long as you don’t profit from it. 
I want you to put hopebird on your blog (either reblog this or take the image and put it on your blog) if you are a SAFE ZONE. That means anyone who has this logo on their blog will not judge you based on your race, age, religion, sexuality, ability, gender, appearance, or anything. If you see hopebird, it means that this person is open to talk to and offer you support if you need it. 

rubicon-art:

This is hopebird.

Hopebird is a little project idea of mine. He’s transparent, and I’m giving permission to use this as you want as long as you don’t profit from it. 

I want you to put hopebird on your blog (either reblog this or take the image and put it on your blog) if you are a SAFE ZONE. That means anyone who has this logo on their blog will not judge you based on your race, age, religion, sexuality, ability, gender, appearance, or anything. If you see hopebird, it means that this person is open to talk to and offer you support if you need it. 

(via thetrevorproject)

Empty eyes

Your sitting here thinking you have a lot on your mind. Just a regular college student exams in the morning. Our lost I can see it in the way you stare at the floor. I’m sure there is a girl on your mind. Your telling us you don’t care then you quickly stay quiet sink into the couch, pretending to study but I catch your glances over the room. There is plenty of noise so much on your mind but here you are with empty eyes. That college student stare, so much around you but instead of filling you with excitement and drive to succeed you are afraid. To much of the bad is taking over the good. This what’s going to scare me I don’t want to see that hopeless look come across my face.

Out to lunch, trying to get my shit together has been exhausting.

Out to lunch, trying to get my shit together has been exhausting.

Lost or home?

I worry about all of my future. I wonder how bad it’s going to hurt to look back and remember all I have been through. Will I find someone to marry and have a family with? How much more hunting do I have to do before I find myself. Before I can relax and don’t have to search anymore. Will my restless personality ever settle or will I always feel so lost even when I know where I am. Were all a little lost I think. I’m just not able to cope with it now. I worry I will be this lost soul, a seed that never gets the chance to land and grow into an old tree with lifetime friends around me. Never to feel the light but instead know all to well the cold wind that will keep me from resting any where, keep me from making a place my home. Never to build up myself and my loved ones.
I wonder if we are all lost just wondering around some are just lucky enough to companion in it all. I know I’m young and many would say I have so much life ahead of me and maybe I do but I don’t know that. Tomorrow could be my last day, that could be it, I would be no more. The rest of the world, still lost, would go on unchanged still wondering looking for whatever it is that makes them whole.
Finally though I would be a planted seed. I would share the rest of my energy in one final act to attempt comforting the creatures around me. The ultimate scarafice. The last of my energy. I will be gone, still restless, never truly finding home.

Here today

I laid there thinking how nice all this felt. In the back of my mind you lingered I thought of love how it’s supposed to work, I wondered how it was for you. Did you feel this way once too? Have you held hands and kisses the lips of someone even when it wasn’t true? Hands on my stomach ceiling in my view I wonder what it was like for you. Did you know it at sight because now I feel so blind. It’s dark I’m stumbling for a glass of water. I cannot hear it’s all mumbled now was there sparks when you kissed magic between your hands? What was it? How did you know? Your so strong so wise and I have all these questions. For now though I can’t hear your answers and have to go on alone.

First Day Back

Being here is very empty, without you. I found it very hard to know when I stepped on that cold ground outside of the car that you would not be in the house at the table working on a crossword puzzle. It was quiet as we all took in our last deep breaths before slapping a smile on to greet whoever was in the house.

She was there to greet us in the hall right next to the closet you found me and my cousins hiding in during our hide and go seek games, running around the house hiding in the same place we hid in million times before. I looked at the expression she had on her face  as her arms opened up to comfort me. I didn’t really want her to use her energy on me, I figured their were plenty of other family members that would need hugs and although I did enjoy it and need it, they needed it much more.

There was nothing to talk about…just bullshit to fill the silence. Nothing big. We didn’t have to ask were Grandpy was knowing he was gone, to a place that would never allow him back to the chair in the kitchen or in the depths of the garage that he spent most of his days soaking in all the things he had collected and worked on over the years.

Grammy his beloved wife of 57 years was in the room. I heard her voice first, turned around terrified I would see her hurting and sad about everything. She smiled gave us all hugs a little bit of small talk again to kept that silence from taking over us all.

Its easy you know, to let silence drown out everything that is important. The silence when someone who never is missing is gone is the worst of them all. Its knowing they wont be back and the space they filled is now empty. The silence can strangle all the happiness and any kind of joy out of you and your loved ones. It will take on anything if you let it. We must be very careful to not let it consume any of our family. This keeps us strong but worn out to say the least.

The house was the same way we left it only a few weeks ago nothing has changed since I was a little girl. Everything has remained in the same place pictures have not moved furniture has became dusty in the grooves on the legs, jackets have remained hung barely moved in the closet in the hall, the outside has only changed because of the removal of trees, or the growing of new plants in the spring. Even the city around it seems almost the same as 10 years ago.  Everything has its place everything is familiar….but there is something missing. There will now always be something missing.

I Am Proof

I wrote this going through a very tough part of my life. I was so young and couldn’t understand but the reason I felt this way was because I was not opening my eyes and seeing that you can’t always ask for someone else to save you. You cannot force someone to love you, you can only love them and hope that one day they feel it. I made it through this feeling and I see now that is just a part of life. Not everyone will love the way you want them too.

Honestly I have given all I can I fought very hard to get here and to get any kind of reward from you and it hasn’t come. I want out or I will have to find a different way out. A path I have come so close too and I want to turn to because this is too much. I have struggled I have begged and asked to be noticed to be seen it’s not hard to look at me without the hate… I just so badly wanted to please all of you so many of you. The ones I love but never feel love from.

I only asked you to save me I know that’s hard I know my soul is restless and hard to settle but please stop giving up on me when I need you. Please just open your heart so I can feel that warmth for once I need it

I have warned I have pushed I have fought and still you want to grab me but let me fall at the same time. You lift my lifeless body time after time and drop it to the depths reaching my soul breaking and chipping away all the strength I have left. Just drop me and leave me let me be because I can’t just take this anymore I can’t fight I have no blood to be drained my soul is spilling out of these cracks the fractures you have created. Oh, please drop me farther so it’s over quicker.

Content

While I have only lived only a few moments of my life as a while I am happy to be where I am. At times it hurt, I felt alone, but not anymore. I see now more than ever I was not alone and never will be alone. Someone will always be beside me, someone will always be in my heart, my thoughts and my actions. We never walk this earth alone, that I know better than I know anything else.

Floods Of The Soul

We all find purpose eventually, key word being eventually. There is no set time or day you just find it. Find what you’ve been looking for, what makes us all whole. I don’t think we ever can really know for sure what it is, or what gives us purpose but I believe we find it whether we know it or not.I believe one day it floods your body, your mind and the sea of purpose crashes at the feet of your soul. We will never know when it happens that is the beauty of it, knowing it will but never knowing when or how. Maybe it will happen tomorrow, or the few moments that you take your last breathes.