First Day Back
Being here is very empty, without you. I found it very hard to know when I stepped on that cold ground outside of the car that you would not be in the house at the table working on a crossword puzzle. It was quiet as we all took in our last deep breaths before slapping a smile on to greet whoever was in the house.
She was there to greet us in the hall right next to the closet you found me and my cousins hiding in during our hide and go seek games, running around the house hiding in the same place we hid in million times before. I looked at the expression she had on her face as her arms opened up to comfort me. I didn’t really want her to use her energy on me, I figured their were plenty of other family members that would need hugs and although I did enjoy it and need it, they needed it much more.
There was nothing to talk about…just bullshit to fill the silence. Nothing big. We didn’t have to ask were Grandpy was knowing he was gone, to a place that would never allow him back to the chair in the kitchen or in the depths of the garage that he spent most of his days soaking in all the things he had collected and worked on over the years.
Grammy his beloved wife of 57 years was in the room. I heard her voice first, turned around terrified I would see her hurting and sad about everything. She smiled gave us all hugs a little bit of small talk again to kept that silence from taking over us all.
Its easy you know, to let silence drown out everything that is important. The silence when someone who never is missing is gone is the worst of them all. Its knowing they wont be back and the space they filled is now empty. The silence can strangle all the happiness and any kind of joy out of you and your loved ones. It will take on anything if you let it. We must be very careful to not let it consume any of our family. This keeps us strong but worn out to say the least.
The house was the same way we left it only a few weeks ago nothing has changed since I was a little girl. Everything has remained in the same place pictures have not moved furniture has became dusty in the grooves on the legs, jackets have remained hung barely moved in the closet in the hall, the outside has only changed because of the removal of trees, or the growing of new plants in the spring. Even the city around it seems almost the same as 10 years ago. Everything has its place everything is familiar….but there is something missing. There will now always be something missing.